How many deaths made me live a better life.

My son and I.

This day was just like any other day. I was working from home as I normally did, still do. I took the dog for a walk at the end of my working day as I always did. My two kids came back from school, my wife came back from work and I came back in to the house to greet them all.

They were all in the kitchen together — nothing unusual about that.

As I walked towards them, my wife said –

“We’ve got some news.” A pause. “Nothing bad”.

“OK”, I said in monotone — expecting nothing really of significance to be the news.

“George has come out”, she continued.

“Come out of what?” I replied. Again, expecting nothing really of significance to be the news.

“Come out as gay”.

As someone who always felt that they would never have a problem with their child being gay and telling them this when they were younger, I would have expected (if looking in on myself) that this news would be no more significant than being asked to make a cup of tea. But ask a lot of parents of gay children what they felt like when they are first told and they will tell you that no matter how open and accepting they say they are, it’s different when it actually happens to you.

From this moment, I experienced a number of deaths. That sounds awful doesn’t it? But actually, from these deaths came such positivity that I want to share them with you.

My first thoughts were — How did I not know? I need to protect him. I also was flooded with guilt. I’d called things “Gay” in front of my children before and regardless of how I felt that I was not homophobic (the usual — I had some Gay friends so of course I wasn’t!) I knew deep down that saying this was homophobic. One of the first things I said to my 17 year old son was that I’d said homophobic things and I was sorry. He acknowledged this, laughed and said it didn’t matter. But it did matter. The actual power and hurt in how the word can be used in such a derogatory way hit me the following day when I overheard a group of teenage boys calling something Gay. Any other time, I would never have really heard it. I would have thought it was harmless. It just means it’s a bit rubbish. It’s not homophobic. But it is. They’re saying it’s Gay (rubbish) because it’s Gay. Being Gay is rubbish. My son must have heard that a million times. I cannot express how much shame I felt and still do.

This part of my behaviour needed to die and from that day onwards, I never called anything Gay in that way ever again.

But just saying this wasn’t enough. I have a son who I am incredibly proud of and was even more proud of for coming out. I knew that I would hear homophobic language and opinions and I would have to defend him and not tolerate it as I’d done before. As with the teenage boys, I’m really going to hear it. I knew this would mean confrontation and confrontation was never something I was very good with.

The do or die moment came very soon.

I met the mother of a past girlfriend. We were chatting. I always liked her. She always liked me. Then she said something.

“Well they’re all gay at the BBC anyway”, she announced confidently to a topic we were discussing.

F*** — here we go.

“Well that doesn’t bother me at all”, I thought was a strong enough response.

“Yes, but (insert name of her husband) says they’re all Gay though”, she continued.

This was the moment. I knew at that very moment that if I did not say anything then I could never live with myself and never look my son in the eye again. He was 17 and had the strength to come out. I needed to find some of that courage.

“My son’s Gay”.

I’ve never heard someone say sorry so many times. I think she died of embarrassment but the power that gave me was incredible. I stood up to something I didn’t agree with. The me who was bullied as a child and was frightened of confrontation died and a new me emerged. Just that little bit of my son’s courage rubbed off on me and I will be eternally grateful to him for that as it has changed me forever. I still struggle with confrontation but even as I do, I am not afraid to say what I believe anymore.

Do or die moment? I did both.

Finally, it’s often said that cats have nine lives. I think humans have an infinite number of lives. If you aren’t yourself then you can die a thousand deaths every day as your authentic self is eaten away. Through my son’s courage and strength, I was able to kill off the ‘people-pleasing’ me and be myself again. It’s not always easy but it’s worth it.

I love you George. Thank you.